The dogs, on the other hand, are native beasts who have got the upper hand over their masters. The European Commission blames Finnish canine control laws. They are lax and liberal beyond belief, a European Commission was quoted on a morning Flemish talk show broadcast from Brussels. Europe’s grand vizier, Manuel Barrosso, has decided to take Finland to the European Court of Human Rights for not taking its responsibility to protect human beings seriously enough. The problem, as the Commission sees it, is that Finns are being denied their right to discipline their dogs. “We use to dock our dogs, as we did sheep, because let’s face it, a dog should do his deed but caked cack on a dog’s hind quarter is not a pretty sight. We are not allowed to leash them either. At one time I was able to tell my dog – sharply mind – to sit and heel but now I will get the police at my door if I try it. And don’t get me started on poop scooping.” said one dismayed former dog owner. “I finally had to let the bitch go. Don’t know where she is. In Lappland for all I know, getting dry humped by reindeer bucks.”
Animal rights activists are well pleased with the present situation though it has been a bit of a challenge to keep out of bear jaws. Statistically, it seems that bears do prefer to eat animal activists. “Someone should do a study.” exclaims Jussi Tyhjäpää, President of We are All Animals Liberation Front. “Finns are not good with dogs so it is a good thing that dogs are no longer caged in like wild animals.”
Primie Minister Matti Vanhanen, who himself likes to compose doggerels in the many different European languages he masters, but most especially Swedish, commented on the canine problem in this way: “I think the Commission is taking this the wrong way. Why should Finland be punished for freeing its dogs. If anything we should impose strict sanctions on Russia for droping their bears on us. I mean gosh these are large animals. I suppose we should be thankful they are only common brown bears. Anyway, (stutter) wild bears or not, the government will not kowtow to Russian demands we pony up with war reparations. Gawd, we finished paying them in 1959.”
At a recent press conference, the Prime Minister was grilled, boiled and scalded.
One correspondent was particularily nasty. “Jan Minkkilainen, Hufvudstadsbladet, a question, in Swedish: Prime Minister. Will it be bombs next? Or bears with bombs?”
“I think that is a question for the Finnish President. Next time do it in Finnish, will you. Gawd we kicked you shit stirrers out of our country in 1786.”
Reports indicate that Tarja Halonen, the Finnish President, is not well pleased with the situation. “Bear dropping is unacceptable. (I think that this could be a pun.) The Geneva Convention forbids it but clearly we have to be sensitive to the Russian side’s point-of-view. Perhaps, if we somehow trained the bears to do tricks. Perhaps a bonus to return to Russia, freely, crossing via a lonely post in the northern border. I know that Putin has been under a lot of pressure. And they do have a lot of bears – sleuths everywhere you turn. Even in the Kremlin.”
Jussi Tyhjäpää thinks this is all much ado about nothing. “Dogs are our friends. As are bears though I do wish they would stop eating our members. All we have to do is throw our first born to the packs when they howl outside our doors. Bears or dogs. Though bears do not bark, normally.” His statement was disowned by his European co-religionists. “Too many hours in the sauna” is how Günter Grön put it to the Hamburger Zeitung.
This is a very sticky wicket for all concerned. Finns are now despondent. Last week a richesse of minks attacked a cyclist, on a lonely country road.
“They came out of the woods in a fury. One bit me but then the attack stopped. What? I thought is going on. But then it could be because I do not taste very good. I have been taking a nasty medicine – for my arthritis which probably makes me a tad harsh to swallow.”
The next challenge for Finnish animal control authorities is to ponder how dogs and foxes will work together. A experienced dog owner (former) phoned this reporter and noted that the truly urgent problem is cats. He did not elucidate.
This reporter does have a solution though. Do as the Swedes have done. Stew the shit out of the (otherwise unbearable) bear meat (danger of trichinosis ) and serve it at school cafs. Works a treat. Yummy.